Attack! Of The Mental Midgets

Too Spooky For Most

Men, it’s October, we’re getting closer to Halloween and the Presidential Election.

Which means things are getting real spooky out there. There’s ghouls, ghosts, clowns creeping people out across America, some other clown that thinks we should take her serious for President but there’s something even scarier: it’s the Mental Midget. They’re your neighbors, your co-workers or gasp! even your loved ones. Sad to say, you know who they are and the night of evil is quickly upon us: they’re coming for your personal beliefs on political matters. 

Imagine any recent horror film that involves a deadly virus strain or even the zombie apocalypse for that matter. The characters who fall victim to contracting the strain lose their ability to control themselves. They become part of the roving group of beasts, marauding other unaware bystanders in the story. Once someone becomes infected, the virus works quickly and destroys what made them distinguishable human. 

Consider the premise of these horror flicks close to what you might be personally dealing with.

Your willingness to speak freely about the upcoming election, both in person or through social media, has attracted the attention of those who carry the strain.  The brood of mindless drones in search of living flesh to devour– specifically the thing between your ears which generates critical thinking. They can no longer think or process valid information, but simply pacify their bloodlust for strong-minded people with news feeds from and Slate. Get away from them until you have a means to fight back, lest you wish to be infected with the same degenerative poison your zombie-former-college roommate is spewing on Twitter right now.
Should you be able to solicit a lucid response from these Mental Midgets which doesn’t result in you being castigated as a racist, islamophobe, homophobe (or pick any other -phobe moniker), it’s mostly the same vapid retort in return. What you’re hearing is not their own conclusive analysis of the facts. It’s the virus from a sinister source of pure evil that’s doing the talking or maybe it’s just from Hillary’s foreign policy spokesman.

What Caused This Outbreak?

Is this the work of an alien life force who surreptitiously planted an existential contagion on Earth to destroy the human race? Did it bubble out of the ground from faulty nuclear waste storage? Government experiment to create super soldiers gone awry? Probably any one of these would be an acceptable answer as of today. How else can you explain the DNC Nominee? Which one of us could get away with so much deceit and corruption and still be considered for President? Nevermind what creatures lurk underneath your bed, look who’s on the ballot this year.

Combined with the saturation of worthless opinions from pop culture icons, morons on Youtube, 30-second sound bites of Trump and whatever else helps subdue the layman’s interest in our political landscape and you have a high-risk candidate prone to this communicable disease. Facts are hate speech, math and economics are racist, which means you are no better than Hitler himself, you bigoted-ass Trump voter.

Once the body becomes subdued, there isn’t much you can do for the person in the meantime. They’re controlled by the Hive Mind and right now it’s broadcasting loads of fake outrage as to what Donald Trump said behind closed doors 11 years ago to Billy Bush. Nevermind what else is at stake or how many pivotal decisions are to be made in the next four years. Further, we still have to consider issues with ISIS, a southern border to fix, insurmountable debt and an economy that feels like someone poured chocolate syrup in the gas tank to make it run slower.

No, let’s just worry about what two dudes said, which is also consistent with what any two dudes anywhere on this planet have said at one point in time. If that’s the going rate for disqualifying someone from the highest office in the land, then feel free to count myself, and all 3 billion dudes out during the next election. As for you ladies out there reading this, don’t think your top secret ‘kitchen talk’ isn’t bad enough to make a squad of US Marine Infantrymen blush either. We’re onto you.

What is the cure for a Mental Midget?

Before you, the protagonist of this story, can start working on a cure to rescue your loved ones from Mental Midgetry, you must go back to the beginning and figure out what made these monolithic parasites in the first place. Remember, they were the unsuspecting individuals who let their guard down when this disease broke out and if you’re not careful, you’ll end up with half your face eaten off in an endless search of other independent thinkers who still have a chance of survival.

The very first thing to do when in near proximity to a Mental Midget is to control your voice and emotions. Mental Midgets are easily agitated when voices become amplified above a certain decibel. With a number of polished voices they’ve heard providing them the news for all these years (thus lowering their innate sense of self-preservation), this will send them directly back to their lair, possibly deep within the corridors of a metropolitan sewer system or to the closest Starbucks with free WiFi. Both are coincidentally full of hideous monsters who could only be created from the tormented souls of Hell itself.

Come prepared with factual-based evidence that not only supports your own conclusion but also helps defeat whatever strawman argument they might have. I would suggest brushing up on  statistics from the Congressional Budget Office and focus on where the line and graph charts seem to be going in divergent directions. You will find, more often than not, that both colored lines are moving in the wrong respective directions. That is a bad thing for our future as a Nation.

If you don’t like where we’re heading as a country, at the very least you can speak smartly to what’s coming next in terms of budget deficits, national policies and whatever else the taxpayer will be expected to fund in the coming years. Yes, it’s super wonky and bores me to tears but so is monotonous lab work in search of a cure to save Mankind from complete extinction. At some point, someone has to sit down and do the hard shit.  

If that doesn’t work?

This is the hard part. Just like when characters from the main storyline have been turned into the undead, you too have to put distance between yourself and them. You might have to take them out (of your personal life, that is). While their brains have turned to mush, their bodies still respond to the insatiable appetite of those who they do not yet control with mindless banter about Grandma Goo-Goo. Shelters and reinforced barriers protecting you from their stupidity will only last for so long until social media platforms are no longer a safe haven for you. 

Board up your windows and get ready for the swarms to arrive. Find shelter with those who still have the will to fight onward to another day and continue to seek out survivors. There’s strength in numbers, especially with those who think alike and will keep you in good spirits. May I suggest walled-off community somewhere in Alexandria, Virginia?


Born in Indiana but was raised in Connecticut and Virginia. Joined the United States Marine Corps in 2001 and spent 8 years visiting exotic places, meeting strange people and always having a plan to kill everyone he met along the way. Has five tours of combat under his belt, both in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now has a much calmer lifestyle with his wife. He is the author of "The Counterinsurgency Manual To Marriage: Learn How to Be a Tactical Husband". Enjoys powerlifting, drinking whiskey, shooting guns in the (still) free state of Virginia and making liberals lose their minds. You can reach him at @mattycakes0231 on Twitter and Gab.
  • chewtoy2016

    Along with the stats from the CBO, please also check into Wikileaks’ Reddit page. Looks like this treasure trove is never ending with deceit and corruption from Clinton and the people around her. Just another reason to point out the disconnect of the political layman with what’s drumming up to be a real nasty take on American Politics:



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