BREAKING: Hillary Health Bombshell!

We’ve all read the reports on Hillary’s health in the news recently. Some of the theories have ranged from plausible to pretty far out. Conspiracies aside, I have come...
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We’ve all read the reports on Hillary’s health in the news recently.

Some of the theories have ranged from plausible to pretty far out. Conspiracies aside, I have come to acquire some breaking medical news about Clinton that may compromise her ability to be president. Bear with me, because this is going to get harrowing.

I have personally read reports that Hillary Clinton, presidential candidate of the United States, would often bleed from her genitals for some as of yet undetermined reason.

I know, it’s disgusting.

This one seems to have a cape.

Pure Horror-Show

This regular occurrence would cause an imbalance in her endocrine system, leading to emotional outbursts and irrational behavior. My sources tell me that this terrible sickness mysteriously stopped around age 50, though I remain dubious. It also appears that for a nine month period sometime in the early 80’s, her belly distended to an enormous size, filled with some kind of a parasite known as a “Chelsea”.

I would contend that this strange illness precludes Mrs Clinton from the presidency, if not voting altogether. Also driving.

Furthermore, there have been reports that instead of a traditionally presidential penis, Clinton has some kind of misshapen penis, one that inverts inside of her body. Astounding!

Personally I could never vote for such a candidate, infirmed with such a terrible disease that renders them maladapted to the rigors of rational thought. I hope for Clinton’s sake they one day find a cure. Until then, I can’t be with her.

Artist's Rendering.

Artist’s Rendering.

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Stephen McCarthy is a comedian and writer from Virginia. Stephen created a sketch show called "The Uncanny Valley" which garnered attention from The Comic's Comic, Best NY Comedy, The Herald, and NYC Comedy Picks of the Week. After it was cancelled by social justice warriors, Proud Boy Magazine recruited him as a columnist. You can see more at www.stephenmccarthycomedy.com
  • Rik Storey

    lol

  • Wilmur Hamilton

    I laughed through the whole thing.

  • Johnny Park

    Don’t worry, she hasn’t driven since the 90s.

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