How To Be Condescending (For Dummies)

Don't worry if you've been having trouble, I'm here to help!
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Have you ever seen a smart person use a big word and envy the limelight in which they bask?

Are you simple minded, dull, and unable to synthesize an original thought? Do you have stupid ideas, moronic musings, and shitty logic? Are you some kind of fucking retard? Then this guide is for you. Hi, my name is Stephen McCarthy and my noggin’s about as useless as tits on a nun. That’s right, I’m a god-damned idiot. That’s why I created this guide on how to trick people into thinking you’re smart. In 6 easy steps, I’ll turn the dog poo-poo that is your mind into a Michelin rated shit sandwich. So just wipe that stupid look off your face and let’s go learn how to be condescending (That means talking down to people).

1) Proclaim ownership of a popular opinion, and frame it as if it were unpopular. Then cast yourself as the long-suffering believer.

“Hey, I know this is a really unpopular opinion, but I think Martin Luther King doesn’t get enough credit. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I hate racism.”

 

Easy points. Now, here’s my favorite part:
If anyone ever catches on to what you’re doing, just roll your eyes, pinch the bridge of your nose, and pray they never find out there is nothing on the other side of your incredulity.

“Omg so incredibly racist”

idiots

2) Mimicry

Copy the syntax of smart people. Ignore the underlying substance. You can often dazzle listeners by impersonating the lilting nasality of guys like Adam Goldberg, Jesse Eisenberg, and Ira Glass. Remember: the more you can sound like a pedantic Jew, the better. Try squeezing your voice up into your sinuses and repeat after me:

“My student looooooaans”

(If you’re a woman, this applies to “Gilmore Girls”)

3) Memorize a phrase you heard a smart person use, then employ it often and erroneously.

My personal favorite is “mutually exclusive”. What does it mean? Who cares. Just toss that baby into any boring sentence and BAM! You’re like the Emeril Lagasse of talkin’ smart.

“I think your argument tends to be a little mutually exclusive”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Ugh so ignorant.”

4) Master this horrific turd-face:

turdface

5) Get lost in the irrelevant minutiae of an argument.

Ambitiously look for misspellings, mispronunciations and incorrect transpositions of their/they’re/there. This works for two reasons.1. Enough obfuscation can help you avoid reaching logical conclusions, and 2. there’s always a chance you can bore people into thinking you’re smart. When anyone hammers you with a good point, accuse them of being “reductive”.

6) Accusations.

This is your knock-out blow and you must use it sparingly! Remember, you are on the vanguard of the easiest opinions imaginable. Why would someone disagree with you? They must be a bigot. Also, avoid looking up the dictionary definition of bigotry.

Well, you look about as confused as a fart in a fan factory.

Don’t worry, all you have to do now is throw on some horn-rimmed glasses and start writing for a startup blog that serves as an echo chamber for your opinions.

Master these tips and you’ll be on your way to condescending pseudo-intellectualism in no time, like me

stephen

Categories
CultureOpinionSociety

Stephen McCarthy is a comedian and writer from Virginia. Stephen created a sketch show called "The Uncanny Valley" which garnered attention from The Comic's Comic, Best NY Comedy, The Herald, and NYC Comedy Picks of the Week. After it was cancelled by social justice warriors, Proud Boy Magazine recruited him as a columnist. You can see more at www.stephenmccarthycomedy.com
  • One-Eye

    Fuck, I hate John Oliver. I hated him from way back in COMMUNITY, where he was basically doing British blackface and was about as funny as cot death.

  • Proud Boys Ohio

    Admittedly I’ve used #3 as a critical lifeline when faced with babbled generalizations someone heard when they’re ears sparked at the sound of the word “free”.

  • James Sullivan

    I found your subject thesis to be cryptic, pedantic, and overall, cïsgendered in nature. Bravo!

    • ReLiC71

      I thought it was rather mutually exclusive, myself.

  • James Sullivan
  • i_like_trains

    You’re just perpetuating the White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy™.

  • chewtoy2016

    I really cannot stand to watch anything with John Oliver, but I certainly despise his audience. They all showed up to sit down at a show thinking they’re the smartest people in the room and possibly even the world. Most of what you get in this article is what you most likely get when arguing with fans of John Oliver.

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