How To Go To The Gym

Why not? It’s a new year, time calls for a new you.

Hello, everyone. Welcome back from the holidays and welcome back to your life. For those of you that were coherent enough to make a New Year’s Resolution before the ball dropped and Mariah Carey botched her NYE performance, some of you might have set forth a plan to get back into the gym and get in shape.

Why not? It’s a new year, time calls for a new you.

For those of you just getting into the gym for the first time (or it’s been a while), welcome to the house of pain. For those of you who have on-again, off-again relationships with the gym, welcome back as well. For those of you that pay your dues and put in your time at the Church of Iron, I feel your pain right now. It’s cramped. It’s full of insurance liabilities and its full of people who need to stop whatever they’re doing before they kill themselves. Keep your head low for just a bit longer until they clear out or you might just get cracked in the head with a dumbbell from some newbie.

 

 

For those of you not too experienced in the ways of body-building or having a set workout routine, don’t fret. There are plenty of great outlets out there to get on a good plan and change up when you’re ready to move on to something more challenging. Remember this: if your routine gets easy, it’s time to change it up.

How you’re supposed to dress at the gym.

You should be wearing nothing that costs more than $20 per item and if you’re wearing an “outfit”, you probably belong at Curves. You should be pulling the first T-shirt out from your drawer with the first pair of gym shorts next in the stack, regardless of how it looks. If you’re color-coordinated on purpose, you’re doing it wrong.

Oh yeah, and if you are wearing those leggings or jeans and it’s not below freezing outside, please take those off. It ain’t right for a grown man to wear those. That’s reserved for women to wear while they’re pretending to work out in between selfies while sitting in front of the mirror next to the rubber dumbbells. You look like a fuckboy.

Let’s talk etiquette.  

You are there to get stronger. You are there to tone up after a long and well-deserved holiday break. You no longer live the life of Ugga (your ancestral caveman) but you must be able to simulate what he went through on a daily basis and burn calories as he might have back then. Our western bodies have become too soft for what some would say is healthy so that’s why you’re there.

That means you need to stop looking at your phone between sets. If you’re able to hear multiple songs play through in your earbuds while at the same station, then that means someone like me is staring at you wishing you would get the fuck off the flat bench. Go stare at hot chicks on Instagram on your own time when you’re not monopolizing the single piece of equipment that does one specific function. If you need something to look at, look at the second hand on the wall clock and time yourself between sets. 30 seconds to a minute is good enough to get back on there and bust out another good set.

Not feeling the vibe during rush hour at the gym?

Be like me and go early. Go so early that it’s only you and the elderly guy from the local old folk’s home competing for gym equipment. They probably won’t fight you for it so that means you are the master of your own domain for the hour or so in there. It’ll keep you regulated on a schedule and puts your mind at the ease for the rest of the day while life continues to hurl balls of shit at you. You at least got to work out before the day turned into hell on earth.

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Born in Indiana but was raised in Connecticut and Virginia. Joined the United States Marine Corps in 2001 and spent 8 years visiting exotic places, meeting strange people and always having a plan to kill everyone he met along the way. Has five tours of combat under his belt, both in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now has a much calmer lifestyle with his wife. He is the author of "The Counterinsurgency Manual To Marriage: Learn How to Be a Tactical Husband". Enjoys powerlifting, drinking whiskey, shooting guns in the (still) free state of Virginia and making liberals lose their minds. You can reach him at @mattycakes0231 on Twitter and Gab.
  • Jeanne DeSilver

    You can’t tell from the link provided but Curves is a brilliant system for building strength and burning calories consisting of 12 resistance machines. The client spends 30 secs on a machine then goes to the next one, going around the circuit twice & followed by a series of stretches. The whole thing takes only about 30 min. Works for me.

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